


Numb

by LoveToMyCobain



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, F/M, Heavy Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-25
Updated: 2014-11-01
Packaged: 2018-02-22 11:10:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2505638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveToMyCobain/pseuds/LoveToMyCobain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton Irwin is tired. Constantly having to be around the object of his desire, Luke Hemmings, and being unable to do anything about it, is sending him on a downward spiral. Not to mention having to deal with negative social media attention at the same time.<br/>He is unravelling at alarming rate, his bandmates and friends only starting to realize the extent of his deterioration. Will they be able to do anything to save him before it's too late?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy this .X feedback of any sort, like comments or kudos, would be greatly appreciated :) just a warning in advance this story could be/is triggering so please be careful .X title from Numb - Linkin Park <3

"Morning, Ash, how are you feeling?"

I open my eyes, blinking at the harsh, bright sunlight streaming in the hotel window. I grimace and shield my eyes.

"Ash? You okay?"

I shake my head to clear my thoughts before noticing Calum standing by the window. He must have opened the blinds.

I'd forgotten he was sharing the room. I glance down at myself and luckily the bed clothes are fully covering me.

"Is something up?" Calum approaches me with concern in his soft brown eyes.

I smile on my face. "No. Everything is fine! What's the plan for today?" I subtly rearrange my bracelets under the covers. He doesn't notice.

"Well, Luke and Michael are playing FIFA if you want to join?" Calum sits at the edge of the bed. "You sure you're okay?

I feel him scrutinizing me and I try not to look down in any way. The boys can't find out anything.

"FIFA? I think I'll pass." I laugh and curl up under my covers more. "I'm just tired."

Calum doesn't look convinced but lets it go. "We'll be out here if you want to join us. Just to remind you, we have a small performance and interview later as well, just in case you forgot." With that, he leaves the room.

I wait a short while before throwing off the bed clothes and stumbling towards the shared wardrobe of the room.

I rummage through the mess that is made up of both mine and Calum's clothes until I find a long sleeved shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans.

I head into the ensuite for a shower. I put the water on to cold and after shedding the t shirt and boxers I wore last night, I step under the icy water.

I hold back a small hiss as the water stings. I close my eyes and just let the water flow over me. It's almost relaxing. Almost.

When I step out, I slowly dress myself, not in any particular rush to go out to the boys and face unnecessary questions.

 

"Ash, you wanna play me? If you win, I'll buy you new drumsticks!" Michael calls out as soon as I enter the room.

The three of them are on the couch with game controllers in their hands. Calum and Luke's eyes are focused on the screen. Michael is looking over at me hopefully.

I feel guilty that I'm going to refuse him, but then I reason that he's probably only asking out of pity. Calum probably told them I was feeling off.

"Sorry, Mikey." I grab a pair of Vans from the floor. I'm fairly sure they're mine. "I'm going for a run, I'll be back in a while."

"Ashton, that's not a good idea. What if there are fans around?" Calum protests. "Anyway, I thought you were tired?"

"And you haven't eaten yet." Luke turns to look at me.

His blue eyes look worried and he's subconsciously biting at his lip piercing. I avoid looking at him because I know I'll cave if I do.

"I'll grab something from the diner. Don't worry about it." I shrug them off, pulling on the shoes.

"You'd better." Calum raises an eyebrow. "We can check later if you did."

I force a laugh even though I don't find that funny in any way. "Guys! When did you become my mother! Seriously! There's absolutely no need to worry about me." I head towards the door.

"You know why we worry, Ash." Luke frowns.

I swallow as an awkward silence follows his statement. "Yeah, well, I'm over all of that shit!" I lie. "So, if this is all cleared up, I'm going for my run."

"Dressed like that?" Michael questions. "Will you not just get really hot? Like, don't pass out or anything!"

"Mikey, I'll be fine. Honestly. I'll call you if I get into any kind of difficulty. But I won't." I put my phone in my pocket. "I'll be back soon."

"Ash..."

I disappear out the door.

 

About three quarters of an hour later I pause to grab a coffee from a nearby cafe. My stomach is making noises from hunger and hurts a little, but I ignore it. I didn't go to the gym like I have been doing since we got here. Instead I went for a run.

"Hi, there, what can I get you?" A really pretty, tall, blonde girl with striking blue eyes looks at me from over the counter. 

She's really pretty, but not as pretty as Luke. I shake my head to dispel all thoughts of him. 

"Um, can I have a coffee, please, no milk?" I request politely.

"Anything else?" She raises an eyebrow.

"No, thanks." I offer her a small smile, trying to be friendly.

"Fine." She says, somewhat more warmly, and turns to the next customer.

I stand to the side and wait. The next person in the queue is a young girl, probably a good few years younger than me. She seems very excited.

"Hey Lucy, what do you want?" The blonde waitress smiles at her. "You look excited. What's up?"

The younger girl is practically bouncing. "Well, I'd like a hot chocolate with lots of cream and marshmallows, please." She pulls out a piece of paper and practically sticks it in the older girls face. "Look! I'm going to see 5 Seconds of Summer later! I can't wait! I'm _so_ excited!"

A small smile touches my lips. It always makes me happy when people like our band. I drum my fingers against my leg while I wait for my coffee, not sure whether to approach her or not. The boys will kill me if I draw a crowd of fans on myself.

"Oh? Lucky you!" The pretty blonde laughs. "Who's your favourite?"

The younger girl giggles. "Luke! He's so hot! So are Michael and Calum but Luke is the hottest! I have a spare ticket it you want? It's like a Q&A session and they're playing a couple songs."

I feel my heart sink as my name isn't mentioned. But then again, what was I expecting? I should have known my name wouldn't be included. I'm nothing compared to the others. And it appears that the fans seem to know it too.

"I thought there were four in that group, though?" The blonde leans against the counter, a bemused smile on her face, "I think you're missing one. And sure, if it's no problem. I don't really know them but I guess I can start by getting to know them!"

"Yeah, there is." The younger girl scrunches up her nose. "But Ashton?" She shakes her head. "The others are so much better than him. He sucks."

The older girl turns to pass me my coffee but I feel sick and my wrists are burning. I shove some money, probably too much, but I don't care right now, onto the counter, mumbling an excuse before I stumble away, blinking back tears.

It hurts to have it confirmed how much of a loser I am, even though I _know_ it's true. I try so hard to make the fans happy. Clearly it isn't enough.

My phone starts ringing in my pocket. I check the caller ID and it's Luke. I press reject. I feel terrible but I can't talk to Luke, of all people, right now.

That _girl_ has more chance to be with him than I ever will. She's right though. They are so much better than me. I don't deserve them.

My phone rings again and again. This time it's Calum, not Luke. I take a deep breath, swallowing back my tears, before answering.

"Hello?" I answer, as cheerfully as I can.

"Ashton? What's wrong? Why weren't you answering?"

"Sorry, didn't hear it." I lie.

There's a silence. "Just get back here as soon as possible. We have a rehearsal in an hour." He hangs up abruptly.

I can feel tears on my cheeks. He's angry. They probably all are. I roughly wipe my tears away before anyone can see. This area isn't very crowded. Anyone around is busy rushing places. Not that they'd care anyway.

I feel light headed as I run back to the hotel but I don't care. I deserve this. I have to push myself to the limits. I have to try harder. I don't deserve a break.

 

"Ashton! What's wrong?!"

As soon as I stagger in, the guys clamour around me expressing their concerns.

"I'm fine." I push them away. I don't want them touching me right now. I feel too much like shit.

"What happened?" 

"Have you eaten?"

"Ashton, what's going on?"

I force myself to hide all weakness and avoid Luke's eyes. I can't let them know how I'm feeling.

"Yes, I've eaten. I went to a nearby cafe." I lie. Well it's not a complete lie. I did go to a cafe.

"Ashton, no offense mate, but you look like shit. What happened?" Michael comments, frowning at me.

I ignore the hurt feeling in ny stomach. "It's called exercise, Mikey." I try to joke but I don't think it works.

"Why didn't you answer my call?" Luke asks quietly, looking hurt.

"I didn't hear my phone, sorry, Luke." I feel even more guilty. I put my hands in my pocket because I really need to cut now. "I think I'll have another shower. What time are we leaving at?"

"In half an hour." Calum is watching me suspiciously. "Don't take too long."

I make my escape into the shower.

 

The trip to the studio is a little awkward as I'm stuck between Calum and Luke. I make myself as small as possible but unfortunately it's not small enough.

"Guys, I'm gonna make a video for twitter." Michael announces, producing his phone.

"Hey guys, Michael here with the lads." He turns the camera on us. I quickly fake a smile.

"We're about to start sound check for later!" Calum chimes in, putting his face closer to the camera.

"We can't wait to see you all there!" Luke grins broadly.

"Yeah, we're so excited!" I force some enthusiasm into my expression and voice.

"Later!" Michael turns off the camera and starts uploading it.

"Ash, are you okay with doing this?" Luke is watching me carefully.

I fight the urge to stare into his blue eyes. He's biting his lip ring again and I swallow hard. "Yeah, of course I am! Why wouldn't I? I'm so stoked for this!"

He doesn't look convinced but the rest of the boys do so it's fine.

 

When we get to the studio there's a large crowd of fans waiting outside. We pull up as close to the door as possible then the security guards greet us to help us in.

"Luke! Luke!"

"Michael! I love you!"

"Ashton!"

"Calum, please marry me!"

We are bombarded with the noise the moment we step out of the car. We stay close so no one gets separated.

Luke pauses in front of me to sign some girls' stuff. Calum and Michael start to do similar so I just follow their lead.

I turn and smile at the group to my left and head towards them. They're screaming really loud and the noise only increases as I approach them.

"Hi Ashton! I love you so much!" One of the girls reaches out so I high five her. She looks hysterical. It's kinda cute.

"Ashton, will you sign this please!" A smaller girl holds out her wrist and a marker. I'm being pulled at by other girls but I do my best to sign a few more things. It feels really good making these girls so happy by just signing their stuff or talking with them. I'm really enjoying this.

"Will you get Luke to sign this?" Someone suddenly thrusts a cd in my face. I glance over at Luke who looks really busy.

"Sorry, I don't think he'll be able." I say lightly. "Do you want me to sign it instead?"

"No. It's okay. I would prefer Luke to sign it. Luke is my favourite." The girl retracts her arm, looking really disappointed.

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach but I try to pretend like it isn't getting to me. Of course she wouldn't want me to sign it. How could I have been so stupid. I'm just Ashton. I'm not Luke.

Lots of the girls around her start giving out to her, telling her she's rude. The girl looks unabashed.

I figure I should say something so they don't get into an argument. "Oh, okay, sure, no problem! I'll see if Luke can do it. It was great meeting you all! Thanks for coming, we really appreciate your support! I'm just going to head in now!" I say brightly. I can't let them see how this affects me.

I quickly make my way through the crowd and get inside. I can't muster up the energy to tell Luke to go over to the others. Calum, Michael are still outside as well so I inform one of the bodyguards that I'm going to the bathroom.

When I get there, I start splashing water on my face. I really need to cut but I can't risk doing it here. I could easily get caught and that would be disastrous.

"Ashton? What happened?" Calum walks in. "And don't tell me nothing happened. Something did. Did one of the girls say something?" He looks both worried and stern at the same time.

I shake my head. "It doesn't matter. Really. Just a misunderstanding. It's fine." I wipe my face with the sleeve of my hoodie. "I over reacted, sorry." I laugh but I know it doesn't reach my eyes.

"Stop lying, Ash." Calum furrows his eyebrows. "What happened?"

I shrug, reluctantly giving in. He won't let me leave alone until I tell him. "It was my mistake. She wanted Luke to sign something but he was too busy so I offered. She wasn't interested. I over reacted. I'm sorry."

"Oh, Ash." Calum pulls me into a hug. "It's not your fault. You didn't over react. No need to apologize! She missed out."

I wriggle out of his grip. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. And I don't want his pity. I don't need it.

"Let's go rock out this gig?" He suggests in an attempt to cheer me up, his brown eyes twinkling.

"Sure." I give him a small smile, not really actually caring.

 

After the sound check we have to get our hair and makeup done and change. I'm a little nervous even though the cuts on my wrist are covered by bracelets.

I get to wear a black tank top over black skinny jeans. I have a red banana as well.

"Honey, you need to get some rest!" The woman doing my makeup comments. "You have terrible shadows under your eyes!"

I notice the rest of the lads share a look and I try to ignore it.

Shortly after, the interviewer comes in to chat before the show starts.

 

"So, that was 5 Seconds of Summer performing their new single, "Don't Stop. The EP is available now!"

The interviewer, a tanned brunette with green eyes named Victoria, introduces us. "So, here they are!"

We head over to the couch opposite her. I sit at the end, bedside Calum. Luke is between Calum and Michael.

"So, how about you each introduced yourselves?" She suggests.

"I'm Michael." Michael waves at the crowd who cheer.

"I'm Luke Hemmings." Luke grins cheekily.

"Calum Hood." Calum beams.

"And I'm Ashton Irwin." I smile. I feel great after playing. Exhausted also, but it takes my mind off things. Well... off everything except Luke. He just looks and sounds even more perfect when he's performing. I find it hard to believe someone like him exists.

The interviewer begins asking the usual questions so I just let the others answer.

"Okay, we have a couple of questions from your fans in the audience." Victoria announces. "Ashley Ford?"

A girl with black hair stands up in the audience. She looks really nervous.

"Um, hey, I'm Ashley. I really love the band. I was just wondering, if you could have any animal as a pet, what would it be?"

"Thank you for your question." Victoria thanks the girl.

"Unicorn!" Michael starts laughing.

Calum shakes his head at him, trying to hold back his own laughter.

" Hi there, Ashley. I would definitely have a penguin." Luke says decisively.

"I don't know, maybe a dog?" Calum is still laughing at Michael.

"What about you, Ash?" Luke asks me the question.

I look over at the girl as I answer to avoid looking at Luke. "Hey Ashley! I guess I'd like a platypus." I smile widely.

"Calum, you're so boring!" Michael rolls his eyes, laughing.

"At least I'm realistic." Calum shoots back.

The next couple of questions are kind of fun and I'm actually starting to enjoy myself. Of course, it doesn't last long. Why would it.

"Next question is from Lucy Griffin."

A familiar looking girl stands up in the audience. It's the girl from the cafe. I notice the blonde waitress beside her. She makes eye contact with me and her eyes widen as recognition sets in. She looks both star struck and mortified.

"Hi Lucy!" Luke greets her cheerfully.

I feel a sharp pain in my chest but I keep the smile on my face. It's not like he knows who she is.

"Hi Luke!" She gushes. "I'm Lucy! I love you so much! I was wondering, what do you look for in a girlfriend?"

"Let me think for a second, Ashton, why don't you go first?" Luke deflects the question to me, giving himself a moment to think about the question.

I feel my eyes widen. "Um-"

"My question was just for you, Luke." Lucy frowns at me.

I notice the blonde girl nudge her in the side and makes a motion to shut up. She then whispers something in her ear. Lucy's eyes widen, her gaze flickering to me. But then she shrugs and there's a small, hardly noticeable smirk on her face.

Luke looks confused and like he is going to challenge her but I quickly step in. "Sure, of course, that's fine!" I laugh it off despite the fact that I feel like curling up and crying.

The rest of the interview passes quickly. I manage to keep any trace of how I'm really feeling from showing. I even succeed in joking around a little.

 

"That's it. We're going to that pizzeria that we passed on the way here!" Michael exclaims as soon as we get off the set.

"Definitely. We deserve it." Luke glances at me.

"Hey, Ash, you okay? Don't mind that girl. Forget about her. Don't let her get to you. That's just what she wanted." Calum says quietly, walking beside me.

I pretend like I don't know what he's talking about. "Oh, that? Yeah, it's fine! Doesn't bother me at all." I grin at him.

"That Lucy girl?" Michael joins the conversation. "I wanted to give her a piece of my mind."

"Guys! It was just a misunderstanding!" I try to move their attention else where. I really don't want to think about her and what she said earlier right now.

"Another one?" Calum raises an eyebrow, expressing his disbelief.

"What does that mean?" Luke narrows his eyes, looking between us.

I shrug it off. "Doesn't matter."

"When we were signing shit, some fan blew off Ashton because she wanted someone else's autograph instead." Calum explains.

There's an outbreak of outrage.

"Can we _not_ talk about this?" I scowl at Calum.

"Ashton-"

"Drop it! Okay?" I snap.

"We're just-"

" _Worried_. Yes. I've heard." I feel guilty for lashing out. They're just trying to help. But I don't want their help. They don't need to worry about me. I can take care of myself. "Look, I'm sorry, I just really want to forget all this shit."

"Alright." Calum accepts my wish and leaves it.

"So, I'll get security to drop us off at that pizzeria." Michael runs off in search of our security guards.

 

We manage to get to the pizzeria without much commotion. I really don't want to do this but the boys will be suspicious of me otherwise. I'd rather just go back to the hotel room and break down in peace.

 

We get a table in the back corner of the pizzeria, I'm beside Calum, opposite Luke and Michael. It's taking all my will power not to stare at Luke.

He really is stunning. His perfectly styled quiff is a little messed up. His red plaid shirt looks perfect on him. His lip piercing looks so sexy and his lips look red and kissable. And his eyes-

"Ash! Earth to Ashton!"

I jolt back to reality as one of the boys calls me. I feel myself flush darkly as I think I just got caught staring at Luke.

"What are you looking at?" He, Michael and Calum turn around.

There's a girl of average height with dyed red hair heading towards one of the tables. She looks really pretty but once again, nothing in comparison to Luke.

"Wow! She's hot. Well spotted, Ashton!" Michael's eyes light up. "She looks like Hayley Williams!"

"She _is_ rather hot." Luke agrees.

My heart feels like it's being stabbed by multiple knives. Over and over.

"This is all great and all, but guys?" Calum catches their attention and nods towards the waiter who is standing looking awkward.

"Oh, right, I'll have the Calzone." Michael points at the menu.

They turn to me. "We've already ordered."

I can feel their eyes on me as I quickly scan the menu. My heart sinks. Everything looks disgusting. I can't eat any of this.

"C'mon, Ash." Michael yawns dramatically.

"Margharita." I quickly close the menu. I'll just have to make a trip to the bathroom after.

The waiter nods and leaves.

"I was thinking of recolouring my hair." Michael announces.

"You so should!" Calum grins. "What colour this time?"

"Not sure yet." Michael shrugs.

"I want another tattoo." Luke pours himself a glass of water from the pitcher on the table. "I really like yours, Ash."

My cheeks warm at the compliment. "Thanks." I manage to say. 

"Can we see it again?" Calum asks.

I momentarily panic before remembering my right arm is completely clean. "Yeah, sure." I pull up my sleeve.

Luke reaches out and traces it with a calloused finger. I feel like I've been jolted with a volt of electricity. I try not to let my tensed posture show. My stomach is all over the place.

"You should come with me when I get it done." Luke pulls his hand back as if nothing happened. But then again I suppose, _nothing happened_. 

"So they don't mess up and make a mistake. Also, for moral support." He winks.

"Yeah, sure." I say quietly, rolling my sleeve back down, trying to calm the butterflies in my stomach.

Michael starts talking about some video game he wants to get. Calum wants to go with him to get it.

"Ash, you look really tired." Luke suddenly comments offhandedly.

I look up from the napkin I was playing with. "What? Oh, no I'm not. Like, maybe a little, but nothing major." I place the napkin on the table.

The waiter arrives, laden with pizza. The smell assaults my senses and I feel like immediately throwing up. When my pizza is set down in front of me, I feel my stomach contract.

"I'll be back in a second." I mutter and run for the bathroom.

I almost throw up but I manage not to. I quickly splash my face with cold water before any of my band mates come in.

I return to the table and the lads are waiting with expectant looks on their faces.

"My sister rang." I lie, holding up my phone.

"How is she?" Michael asks through a mouthful of pizza.

"Yeah, she's great. Just wanted to check up." I resume my seat.

They look like they believe me and I silently sigh with relief. It's been a while since my sister rang me. 

 

I force myself to eat at least half of the pizza. I'm more tired by the effort of eating it than by the events of today.

"You going to finish that?" Luke and Michael eye the remains with hungry eyes.

"Nah, I'm full! It's really nice though. You can have the rest. I'm just going to the toilet." I excuse myself calmly so as to avoid raising suspicion.

Calum is busy finishing my dinner off with Luke and Michael so no one really pays me any attention.

I walk into the bathrooms which are empty, thankfully. I hurry into one of the cubicles and close the door before dropping to my knees in front of the toilet bowl.

Without hesitation, I stick my middle and index finger down my throat. The response is instantaneous and I start throwing up. I continue until I feel completely empty.

A tidal wave of guilt washes over me. I struggle to stand up and flush the toilet. I wait a second, to make sure there's no one else in the bathroom, then shuffle out to the sink.

The mirror above reveals my sorry reflection. My eyes are red and my skin is pale and I look a wreck. I splash my face with some water.

Suddenly my phone rings. I'm tempted not to pick it up but it could be important. I check the caller ID before answering.

It's Harry Styles. I clear my throat, surprised. Maybe he won't notice how fucked up my voice is.

"Hello...?" I curse myself as my voice cracks.

"Ashton. Hey, it's Harry." Harry answers. "How are you?"

" I'm great, thanks." I ignore how hoarse I sound.

"You sound like you have a cold?" Harry questions.

"No. I mean... maybe. I don't know. Might be coming down with something." I latch on to the excuse.

"Well, hope you feel better soon." He fumbles with his phone. "We were watching that interview you guys did earlier."

I tighten my grip on my phone. "Oh? Really? It was great fun!" I inject fake enthusiasm into my voice.

"Really?" He doesn't sound convinced. "You seemed kind of off..."

I clear my throat which really hurts. "Well, like I was saying earlier, I might be coming down with something."

There's a moment of silence. "Well, we were hoping that you guys would come hang out with us tomorrow if you're not busy?" He suggests.

At that moment, Luke bursts in. He spots me and quickly heads towards me. "Ashton? Is everything okay?"

"I'm talking to Harry. Styles." I mumble, averting my eyes so that he can't see in case they're still a bit red and watery.

"Really?" He narrows his eyes.

"Ashton?" Harry sounds confused.

"Sorry, Luke just came in." My voice isn't as hoarse but I'm afraid Luke will notice. "Yeah, as far as I know we have no prior arrangements so..  
I guess we can hang out."

"Great, our hotel room, 314, at three tomorrow?"

"Okay." I feel a little faint. My head is hurting. And so is my stomach.

"Cool. See you then. Bye, Ashton. Tell the others I say hi." He hangs up.

"Ashton?" Luke is watching me like a hawk.

I risk a glance in the mirror. My eyes look okay but I still look sickly pale. "Yes?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. I'm _fine_." I start walking out of the toilet. "Harry invited us over tomorrow for three at their hotel."

"That will be fun." Luke looks excited.

"Yeah, I know, right!" I force some enthusiasm as we head back to the table.

Calum and Michael are ecstatic when they hear the news, once they've gotten past interrogating me on my trip to the bathroom.

 

When we get back to the hotel, I claim to be tired. I retreat to mine and Calum's room and take a shower. I also make a number of new cuts on my legs where I'm certain my band mates won't notice.

I figure I should tweet something about today so I grab my phone and log into Twitter. I quickly type a short tweet. _Had a great time meeting you all today! Thanks for coming to support us! X_

I'm immediately flooded with responses. Some good. Some just requests for follows. Some not so good.

I read through my mentions and, though there is a lot of nice stuff, there's a lot of hate as well. Comments on my shit performance earlier really hurts considering how much I tried. I can't help agreeing with some of the tweets saying that the band would be better off without me.

I can feel the tears cascading down my face and I curl up under the covers digging my nails into my wrist. Will anything I do ever be good enough?

I lie awake for a long time, unable to fall asleep with the thoughts whirling around my mind. I hear Calum come in at some stage but I pretend to be asleep.

The birds are singing before I fall into a restless sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the second chapter .X thank you to anyone who has commented or left kudos <3 feedback is appreciated .X it could be a while between updates because I'm fairly busy with college but I'll do my best to write whenever I get the chance .X btw this chapter is from Luke's POV

"Michael, get up!"

I shake my room mate awake. He's so stubborn. Calum just woke me up, telling me to wake Michael up. And it didn't take him this long to wake _me_ up.

"Go away." He groans, his voice muffled under the bed covers. It's almost cute.

"I'll get a bucket of water and throw it over you." I threaten playfully.

"I hate you, Luke." He grumbles, giving in and rolling out of his bed.  
"What time is it?" He yawns loudly.

"Half twelve." I check my phone. I hadn't really meant to sleep in this late. But then again, we don't get to sleep in often.

"Too early." Michael groans, running a hand through his fluffy hair.

"Tell that to Calum. And it's not my fault you were playing video games all night." I retort, laughing.

I have to dodge a pillow that's flung very forcefully in my direction. "Hey!"

Michael just smirks and goes into the bathroom to get ready.

I head out into the kitchen in search of breakfast. There's a lovely smell of toast and coffee coming from it.

When I enter it, Calum is placing a large plate of toast with sausages in front of a disgruntled looking Ashton. "Lighten up, Ash." He ruffles Ashton's hair playfully.

Ashton just scowls into the plate in response. He looks completely wrecked. His hair is sticking up all over the place and he has huge shadows under his eyes.

"Morning, Ash." I say, watching him carefully. His eyes flicker up to meet mine before quickly looking away.

I feel like Ashton has been avoiding me lately and I don't know why. It really hurts because I actually have a huge crush on him. I can't tell him though because he has enough on his plate to deal with without me confessing my feelings. But I would like to know what's bothering him. And if I can do anything to help.

"Luke!" Calum greets me warmly, a broad smile on his face. "Want some sausages?" He points at the saucepan of sausages.

"Yeah! I'd love some." I pull up a chair opposite Ashton, eyeing him discreetly.

"Is Michael up yet or...?"

"He's in the shower." I get up to get myself some orange juice as I realize how thirsty I am. "Anyone else want some?" I hold up the carton.

"Yeah, thanks, that's my glass over there." Calum indicates a blue glass next to a red one near Ashton.

"Ash? Do you want some?" I ask warily.

"Just water." He mutters, not even looking up from his plate.

I share a look with Calum. I'm really worried about Ashton. We all are. He's been really down lately and he doesn't seem to realize that we can see through his act. Maybe if he wasn't like a brother we wouldn't notice any difference, but he is, so we can. I wish I knew what was bothering him.

I'm scared for him because I don't want him to relapse but I'm also terrified it's too late. He's not eating properly either and I have my suspicions about last night. His voice sounded really off when I was talking to him in the toilets. I don't know if it's just me being paranoid or not because as far as I know, even back then he never threw up his food.

"Here you go." Calum hands me my plate of sausages. They smell delicious. "There's ketchup in the fridge if you want it."

"Thanks, Cal." I grin, diving into my food and wolfing it down, momentarily distracted from worrying about Ashton.

"What time are we going to hang out with the One Direction lads?" Michael walks in with a towel around his waist. He steals one of Ashton's uneaten slices of toast, munching on it happily.

"Oh my god, Mikey! That's Ash's! Get your own!" Calum exclaims.

"It's fine!" Ashton protests quickly. "I'm really not that hungry."

"You never really are though." Calum says, frustrated.

Ashton scowls, shoving his plate towards Michael and storming out.

Calum and Michael make to go after him but I beat them to it. I manage to catch up with Ashton before he leaves the hotel suite.

"Ashton! Wait up!" I grab his arm. Which seems to be a bad idea as he immediately flinches away. I can't help noticing how skinny he is.

He pulls his arm out of my grip and puts some distance between us, avoiding my gaze. Once again, it hurts. How am I to ever help him if he is just going to ignore me?

"What?" He doesn't look me in the eyes.

"What's going on?" I ask quietly, trying not to pressure him into talking.

"Nothing." He says calmly. He glances at me briefly. "Lukey, I'm fine. Really."

It's like a few moments ago never even happened. He's put up his wall and I know I don't have a chance of getting through it right now so I accept his answer even though I don't believe him. I'm afraid of pushing him too far. "Let's play some video game." I choose to change the subject.

A look of relief passes over his face. "Sure."

 

"Do you think he's really fine?" Calum whispers to me as we watch Michael and Ashton race each other on Need For Speed. Michael is winning. As usual.

"Go Ashton!" I yell in support of him, forgetting Calum's question. "You can beat Clifford!"

Ashton turns around and grins at me, for the first time in a long time. His eyes light up and his dimples show.

"YES!" Michael shouts.

Ashton quickly turns back to the tv just as Michael passes the finishing line. 

"Thanks, Luke!" Michael grins at me cheekily.

I apologize profusely to Ashton. "Shit, I'm so sorry."

"It's fine." He shrugs. "We should probably start heading over to the other hotel anyway."

"I reckon we should get some snacks and drinks on the way." Michael suggests. "Make it a proper party."

"It's just a hang out." Calum laughs at him.

"Hang out. Party. Same thing." Michael dismisses him. "Let's go. Someone bring their ID so we can get alcohol."

 

"Hey guys! Great to see you all!" Liam opens the door and greets us brightly. There's a couple of security guards standing around outside.

"Come in, come in!" He ushers us into the hotel room. Which is huge. A good deal bigger than ours. But then again they have five in their group and they are somewhat bigger in popularity.

"Hey!"

"Hi!"

" 'Sup!"

The rest of the boys are sitting on either the couch or the floor. There are large bowls of popcorn and sweets on the table, as well as big bottles of fizzy drinks like coke and fanta.

"We come bearing gifts." Ashton holds out the bags of stuff we got in the shop on the way here. Including two six packs. He looks more cheerful than usual.

"Awww, you shouldn't have!" Harry jokes, taking the bag and laying its contents on the table. "We're all going to end up so fat!"

I notice how the smile on Ashton's face momentarily freezes before he laughs loudly. "You might, but I play drums!"

"True. Damn you Irwin and your drum kit." Harry chuckles. "Your cold seems to be gone."

Ashton looks startled but brushes him off, going to sit on the floor beside Louis. "Hey! Long time no see!"

Michael hasn't noticed the exchange and goes to join them with a large grin.

Calum looks confused but goes to join Liam and Zayn on the large black leather couch.

"You know what, I think more popcorn is in order." I grab a couple of the unpopped packages from the table. "Harry, you should help me make it. I hear you are the best chef in your band!" I grab his arm and push him into their small kitchen quickly.

"Luke, mate, what's up?" Harry looks bemused. "That eager to get me alone? Didn't realize you were that into me."

I swat his arm. "Sorry, Styles, hate to break it to you but, you don't do it for me." I stick the packages in the microwave.

"You don't need my help, do you?" Harry tilts his head, his joking manner fading.

I exhale loudly. "No, I do. Just... not with the popcorn." I check to make sure the kitchen door is closed. "Harry, what was it that made you think Ashton had a cold?"

"Well... when I called him last night his throat sounded like it was kinda hoarse?" Harry says seriously. "Is he okay? He seemed really unlike himself in that interview."

I lean against the counter as the popcorn pops internally debating what to say. I hope Ashton wasn't doing what I think he was. "Yeah... no... not really..." I bite my lip ring. "He's been dealing with a lot of shit from _fans_ lately. We're kinda worried about him. It's affecting him a lot, more than any of us realize, I fear."

"Oh." Harry runs a hand through his curly hair, looking concerned. "On twitter is it?"

I shake my head. "No, well, not that I know of. There probably is though." I curse myself for not doing something about that earlier. "It's more... face to face stuff.."

"Like that girl yesterday?" He guesses.

I nod. "Yeah, it's really pissing us all off. Ash doesn't deserve all this bullshit. He deserves so much better. He's such a good person, I just don't get why they don't see it."

The microwave beeps.

"I understand." Harry sighs sympathetically. "There's really not much you can do though, unfortunately. I guess just be there for him, even if he acts like he doesn't want it."

I empty the popcorn into bowls with a little more force than necessary. "Yeah, it's just really tough. The whole situation makes me so angry."

He pulls me into a quick hug. "If you need to talk, we're all here for you, you know? You guys are like little brothers."

"Thanks. We appreciate it." I return the hug and we head back out to the others.

 

"More popcorn!!"

Michael jumps up excitedly from where he's sitting beside Louis and Ashton. He comes over and snatches one of the bowls out of my hands.

"Rude!" I can't help laughing at his antics despite my worrying about Ashton.

I notice how Ashton's gaze flickers between me and Harry, almost worriedly. As soon as he catches my gaze he looks away.

Harry squeezes onto the couch between Liam and Zayn and Calum, making himself comfortable. He then pulls me down on his lap.

"Hey!" I yelp in surprise.

He just pats my head. I pretend to bite his hand in protest and he feigns a look of distress in return.

"Luke! I thought we were having a bonding moment!" He pouts exaggeratedly.

"Sorry, you were mistaken." I grin back.

He bites my neck lightly and I yell out. "HARRY STYLES! WHAT THE FUCK! I WILL ACTUALLY KILL YOU!"

I flick his forehead and start tickling him viciously. The moment I give him a chance to breathe, he shoves me off his lap into the floor.

"Dead man walking, Styles." I mutter as I shuffle around, sitting on the floor with my back against the couch.

"Trouble in paradise?" Louis snickers at us.

"Awww, you guys would be adorable!" Liam laughs.

"No! Hazza is mine! I was joking! Larry Stylinson is _our_ ship! And it's real." Louis protests. "So go ship Lashton!"

I bury my face in my hands to hide my crimson cheeks. "Guys!"

I can't resist glancing over at Ashton through my fingers to see his reaction. His expression is blank. Then he stands up, brushing dust off his jeans before walking out of the room.

There's a confused silence.

"Is it what we were talking about?" Liam asks quizzically.

"What _were_ you talking about?" Michael pauses the game and decides to join our conversation.

"Larry Stylinson and Lashton." Niall reaches out and grabs a can of beer off the table.

"Nah, that was hardly it." Michael shrugs. "He probably just needed to use the bathroom."

"Is he alright, though?" Liam suddenly questions. "Is it just me or has he seemed a little different lately...?"

I sigh wearily. "No, it's not just you. He's been having a rough time of it lately with fans and shit." I mumble.

"Oh." Liam frowns. "That's awful."

"Yeah. But he doesn't want to talk about it. At all." Calum looks put out. "He's completely shutting us out."

"I guess just be patient with him. Wait for him to come to you. Give him some space." Louis suggests. "Just keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn't end up isolating himself from those who care about him." He glances briefly at Harry.

"Yeah, and like I was saying to Luke earlier, we're here if you ever need to talk. About anything." Harry pulls me back on his lap. "By the way, you're like a freaking giant. Just thought you should know. In case no one told you."

I laugh at him. "Shut up. But that's as well." 

Michael and Calum resume playing their video game and the rest of us start chatting about random, light hearted, tour related things.

 

"We should do a twitcam with all of us together!" Harry suggests a short while later, downing a can of beer.

"Woah there, hold up, Haz!" Louis exclaims, laughing as he takes the can away from him. "We can't do it if you're drunk! Can't set a bad example for the girls!"

"What's going on?" Ashton has finally returned and takes his seat on the floor. His face is ashen but he's grinning widely.

"I think we should do a twitcam!" Harry explains with exuberance, snatching the can back from Louis.

"And I'm saying we can't because Harry is practically drunk." Louis rolls his eyes fondly at the emerald eyed boy.

"It's a bit early to be drinking, don't you think?" Liam raises an eyebrow at Harry who just giggles. "And aren't you supposed to be cooking us _dinner_ later?"

"Oops." Harry mumbles. "Oh well. You can all starve. See if I care. Except Louis. I love Louis. Louis is cool. Unlike all of you. I love you, Lou."

"Love you too, babe." Louis grins and kisses him on the nose.

"We do have sweets and chocolate though!" Niall says reminds us.

"Tomorrow is our next concert, right?" Zayn suddenly pipes up.

"Yes. Don't remind me." Liam yawns. "We're going to be so tired when this tour is over."

"You guys do look quite wrecked." Michael comments.

"We are." Louis groans. "And drinking will not help." He hits Harry lightly on the head.

"Louuuuuuuuu." Harry pouts.

"No more drinking until after you have made us dinner." Louis decrees.

"What? But-"

"Hush now, young Harold." Louis smirks, putting his finger on Harry's lip.

I see the glint in Harry's eyes before Louis does. I try to warn him but I'm too late. "Lou-"

"Fuck!" Louis yells as Harry bites his finger. "You animal!" He pushes Harry's shoulder.

The rest of us are in stitches laughing at them. The look of horror and outrage on Louis' face is priceless. Harry on the other hand is grinning broadly like the cat that got the cream.

"Our band is full of idiots." Liam shakes his head.

"Pffft. Not as bad as ours." I laugh.

We launch into discussions on all the various idiotic things we've done these past couple of years.

 

At about seven o'clock, Harry starts preparing the dinner with Louis. He's making spaghetti bolognese except with meatballs.

"God, I'm starving." Niall complains whilst scrolling through his Twitter. "Why are our fans so crazy?"

"That's what makes them beautiful." Liam laughs.

Zayn laughs. " _Liam!_ You did not just do that."

"Merely stating fact." Liam stretches and yawns. "Do we have any interviews tomorrow?"

"Yep." Niall grabs a packet of crisps. "It should be great craic though. We've had this interviewer before. She's sound as far as I can remember."

"Craic?" I raise an eyebrow.

"Fun." Niall laughs. "We Irish do like to have the craic." He winks.

"Ok, now are you talking craic as in fun or as in crack cocaine?" Calum feigns confusion.

"Very funny, Hood." Niall sticks his tongue out at him.

"Dinner is ready." Harry and Louis both appear with a plate each of delicious looking spaghetti and meatballs. "Get your own plate in the kitchen, we ain't your slaves."

We all scramble for the kitchen. There are seven plates of the dish set out on the table for us to collect.

"This is really amazing, Harry." Calum announces when we return to the couch.

"Yeah, it is really good!" Ashton agrees.

I can't help but watch him closely as he eats. He is chatting away cheerfully with Niall. He doesn't seem to be having difficulty eating at all. Maybe I really am just worrying unnecessarily.

Harry calls Niall over for a minute and it's then that Ashton's facade slips momentarily and he looks like he's about to start crying.

As soon as Niall returns though, Ashton has composed himself and he has a bright cheery grin on his face.

I suddenly feel sick as I realize how good Ashton has become at being able to conceal his feelings and project a facade of happiness.

The cracks we see can only be indicative of how bad things are really getting. I am now practically certain that Ashton is on the verge of relapse, if it hasn't happened already.

"Luuuuuuke!"

I jump as I hear Michael calling me. I glare at him as one of my meatballs rolls off my plate. On to the white carpet.

"Shit!" I groan. I hurriedly pick up the meatball and race into the kitchen for a tea towel.

"I am so sorry." I apologize as there is still a pinkish, red stain left.

"No worries!" Liam is quick to reassure me. "That's nothing compared to some of the shit we've spilled on hotel carpets in the past!"

"He's right." The others agree.

"Yeah, I once spilled an entire bottle of red wine, playing spin the bottle." Harry chimes in from where he's cuddled up with Louis on the couch. "I hadn't noticed the bottle was open."

"That was one costly bottle." Zayn laughs.

"Actually, let's play spin the bottle or truth or dare now!" Harry suggests.

"Sure." We all agree.

"I'm going first." Harry declares. "Lou. Truth or dare."

Louis grins. "Dare."

"I dare you to call your mom and pretend you're in the middle of fucking me." Harry grins evilly.

"Wow, Harry. Way to start off." Niall rolls his eyes.

Louis looks scandalized but accepts anyway. He snatches his phone from the table and dials his mother. As soon as she answers, he then starts making noises and Harry responds with noises that are just as filthy. 

The whole time we're trying to contain our laughter as Louis' mother tries to get his attention in vain, before eventually hanging up.

" _You_ can explain _that_ to my mother tomorrow." Louis complains to Harry.

"It's not as if it hasn't happened before." Harry smirks and he doesn't even look ashamed. If anything he looks proud.

"Moving on!" Louis looks like he's about to die of mortification if the scarlet red of his cheeks are any indication to go by.

"Michael! Truth or dare?"

"Dare." Michael looks prepared.

"I dare you to..." Louis looks around thoughtfully. "Eat an apple covered in ketchup."

"Ew. Gross." Niall shudders.

"Bring it on." Michael laughs.

Zayn goes into the kitchen and returns with the apple completely covered in ketchup.

"That looks absolutely disgusting!" Calum mimes throwing up.

Michael proceeds to eat the apple and actually succeeds in finishing the thing. Niall is recording him.

"Well, I won't be doing _that_ again." Michael takes a beer can from the table to wash the taste from his mouth.

"Luke. Truth or Dare?"

"Dare." I decide.

"I dare you to kiss Ashton. On the lips." Michael challenges.

I feel myself freeze. Ashton looks like he has seen a ghost.

"Lashton action!" Niall and Zayn both cheer.

My heart feels like it's going to burst out of my chest it's hammering so hard. This is not how I'd pictured my first kiss with Ashton.

"Well. Go on. Unless you want to chicken out." 

"Five seconds at least." Michael stipulates.

Ashton actually looks like he wants to throw up. That feels like a punch in the face. He is clearly adverse to the idea of kissing me. My previous good humour dissipates instantly.

"Let's just get it over with." I say abruptly. I avoid looking at him. This is a total disaster. I can feel my heart shattering.

Ashton is fidgeting and looking around in distress. He looks like he'd rather be anywhere but here.

The room is wrought with tension. It's almost tangible.

"Fine." Michael sighs, sensing the uncomfortable atmosphere. "I'll pick another dare."

The look of relief on Ashton's face is like a dagger to my heart. He hasn't looked at me once since Michael decided the dare.

"I need the bathroom." I suddenly stand up quickly. I paint a smile on my face to divert any suspicion and escape.

 

Once I've composed myself and made temporary peace with the fact that Ashton will never like me the way I like him, I return to the living room and rejoin the game with as much exuberance as I can manage. Everyone seems to have forgotten the incident between me and Ashton. Or else it's being ignored.

 

We end up having to get a taxi back to our own hotel as we've all had a little to drink. The four of us are squashed in the back of the taxi. Thankfully I'm not beside Ashton. Michael and Calum are in between us.

I feel emotionally drained. I was never sure whether or not Ashton would ever return my feelings. I thought I had prepared myself for his possible rejection, but I don't think anything could have prepared me for this.

"Luke? Are you okay? You're very quiet." Michael has stopped his conversation with Calum to turn and speak to me.

"What? Oh, no I'm fine! Just tired!" I shake my head. I can't tell them the truth.

"I don't know if staying out this late was a good idea. We do have to open the concert tomorrow." Calum yawns, looking at Ashton who has fallen asleep.

"And we have an interview and meet and greet signing." Michael reminds us.

" _Fuck._ " I exhale loudly.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Calum peers at me.

" _Yes._ " I feel relieved when we finally get back our hotel.

"Someone should carry in Ashton." Michael remarks. "I don't think he's going to be waking up any time soon."

"Luke, you usually do it when this happens." Calum looks to me.

"I can't. Too tired." I shrug and walk into the hotel before they can stop me.

I feel guilty about leaving them but I really need some time alone right now. To clear my head. Of everything Ashton-related.

Once I get up to the room I'm sharing with Michael, I pull on an old tattered shirt before curling up under the covers with my ipod.

I turn the lights off and close my eyes. I try to listen to upbeat rock songs to distract myself but it's not working.

I can't even put my emotions in words. His reaction earlier really hurt. Ashton is like the first real crush I've had. The moment I met him I began to grow to love him as more than a bandmate. I can't stop a few tears slipping down my face.

I can't hear anything over my music but my eyes flash open as the lights are flicked on. I cringe away and bury further under my covers, my ear phones falling off.

"Luke? What's up? What's wrong?" I hear Michael approach my bed.

"Go to bed, Mikey." I don't look at him out of fear of him seeing my tear stained cheeks. "I'm trying to sleep."

"Luke. I _know_ there's something up, you've been off since you went to the bathroom earlier." He sits on my bed.

"I'm just tired." I mutter, half heartedly.

"That's what Ashton said. And he's not fine." Michael says, trying to sound nonchalant but failing.

"What do you mean?" I ask, my heart sinking. I can't let my feelings for Ashton, and his _lack_ of them for me, to get in the way of me caring about his well being.

"He's light as a fucking feather. Not in the good way. Like, _actually_ light as a feather." Michael swallows. "He woke up and freaked over us carrying him. He went straight to bed, ignoring us."

I feel sick at my helplessness. I don't have a clue how to help Ashton anymore. Especially since he seems to be avoiding me.

I stiffen as I remember his reaction earlier. What if that was because he knew how I felt? Somehow, that just makes his rejection even worse.

"Sorry about earlier." Michael suddenly mumbles. "I thought it would just be a bit of fun. I didn't think it would-"

"Mikey, it's fine." I peek out of my covers, hoping my eyes look okay. "I was up for it. I just didn't realize Ash would be so... adverse to the idea..."

Michael notices the strange quality to my voice. "Is something going on between the two of you?"

I laugh, somewhat bitterly. "No. It's the polar opposite. There's absolutely nothing. I feel like he's ignoring me."

"Luke, I'm sure he's not." Michael attempts to reassure me but it's not working.

"Whatever. It doesn't matter." I shrug. "We just have to try harder to get him to open up or get help for him if we have to."

"Hopefully it won't come to that." Michael pulls me into a warm hug.

"Thanks, Mikey." I say in a small voice.

"Don't mention it, little bro." He pats the top of my head. "Well, I'll let you get back to sleep. You look tired and I'm wrecked. And we also have that interview so... yeah. Night Lukey, love you."

"Night Mikey. Love you too." I whisper.

I'm so exhausted from everything that has happened, I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading .X

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading .X


End file.
